Try as I might, over the last several weeks, I just couldn’t find the words. I knew that God called me to share my struggle with postpartum depression, but I wasn’t prepared for just how difficult it would be to write. I sat alone at my computer one day reliving some of the worst moments I had experienced during motherhood, struggles with postpartum depression that I would rather not admit to or acknowledge. Those memories brought a flood of negative emotions and I found myself unwilling or unable to write my story. That day I didn’t have the words that would help some young momma know that she will get through it. I didn’t have the wisdom to share practical advice to get her through the day. I’m still learning how to deal with the effects of postpartum depression myself and don’t yet feel qualified to speak life and truth into someone else that feels alone. My experience, postpartum, has been vastly different with each of the four children I carried in my body. I developed postpartum depression with my first and third born daughters, as well as with my miscarriage. However, with my second born daughter I had zero postpartum depression. I know that God has called me to use my insight into the differences and experiences in marriage and motherhood with and without postpartum depression to encourage freedom in women. I know He has asked me to use my influence to shine a light on His grace and restoration that is available to mothers in similar life circumstances. Yet, on the day I decided to finally be obedient and vulnerable, the enemy so vividly threw me back into that dark place where raw emotion and reactions were uncontrollable.
Satan’s schemes are never new, he always resorts to shame. If he can get us to slink down in self-pity, he has succeeded. Satan so effortlessly silenced the message God wants me to share by throwing me into a spiraling descent of fear, regret, anger and disappointment. I wonder how often we have succumbed to the plans of the enemy by allowing our insecurities to stop us from stepping out into obedience.
God knows the weight of what He has asked each of us to do. He knows every move and attack the enemy has prepared against us. He also knows that if we rely on Him, we can pull ourselves up and do the hard things. We can do everything through Christ, who gives us strength. God knows what it costs to be obedient and vulnerable with His calling on our lives, and if we will dig deeper into His Word we will feel His presence go with us into the battle field. God will take our hand and walk alongside us when we feel we can’t move forward. He will wait patiently for us to realize what He already knows, that we are strong and we are capable. When we are lost and don’t have the words, He will light the path with His Word.
…if we rely on him, we can pull ourselves up and do the hard things.
God doesn’t ask us to do it all. Even if we take baby steps in obedience, at least we are making progress. He showed me through not having the words to write about my struggle that I am strong enough to pull myself up and dig deep into His promises. Perseverance was cultivated in my spirit to fulfill His calling and to make sure that my daughters know their mother doesn’t give up just because something is hard. I want them to look at me and say, “She is steadfast. She is strong and able.” I want to be an example and encouragement to other women to not give up because you hit a bump in the road. I want you to know that you aren’t alone and you can pull yourself up with God’s strength if you will dig deep into His truth. You are steadfast. You are strong. You are able.